Dude, l’il bro, dudette, and as my long-distance homie, I must implore and implode you to get some help- ‘cos all this trash talk about you is affecting ME.
Bieb- can I call you the Biebster?- I got into a fracas on New Year’s Eve, bro ‘cos someone called you The Boob.
I said, listen up, bitch, The Biebster is just going through growing pains just like that old television series and which is why he’s never wearing a shirt these days.
I told her straight: The Biebster is saying, Look, world- look at my man boobies and my tu-pack.
Bro, you’re looking mighty fine- and tough- and like a white black dude in Kunta Kinte chains.
Hell, you make Fiddy look like a girlie man. And your new video? Whooeee! Hot, brother, hot!
Some tell me it looks like one of those cheap music videos from Indonesia and that your record company couldn’t give a fuck about you anymore, but what do they know?
“That’s the new Biebster,” I have yelled back at the trash talkers. “The Biebster is going for stripped down street cred and no more of that Baby Baby, Where Did Our Love Go crap with those twee dance steps and body doubles.”
Dude, did they- and you know who “they” are- rip off Where Did Our Love Go by the Supremes and call it Baby Baby?
And truth time, l’il bro- Did Usher REALLY find you on YouTube?
You know how Scooter can make up shit like that. I can keep a secret, bro. C’mon man, a busy dude like Usher goes onto YouTube and finds your home videos??? Like, duh.
And a bidding war for you between Mr Usher and Justin Timberlake. Really? Wowser, that’s like, unreal, bro! It’s like something outta The Voice!
But onto bigger things- like pissing in public.
Again, I have stood up for you and said, hey, that’s The Biebster showing he’s all grown up and so has his wang dang.
Bro, in your new video, there’s a whole lotta wang dang doodle going on with the chick in it plus there’s sooo much of you without your shirt on. It gives me chills to see you like that- but in a manly wang dang doodle kinda way.
Was the chick shorter than you or were you standing on an apple box? And that new song, bro- super sexy. It’s like Luther Vandross-type hot buttered Last Tango In Paris soul sung by Minnie Mouse. You nailed it, dude!
You’re nailing so much these days, it makes me proud to be a man.
You nailed a Victoria’s Secret model and I have only nailed two chicks named Victoria- together.
Selena Gomes? That’s the past, dude. Us men must move on and nail our rights and lefts as much as possible.
I LIVE for nailing! Sometimes I even paint my TOENAILS. Nailing can be so weirdly baaaad sometimes.
I can tell you’re on a mission to be a white badass in a Spike Lee movie or trying out for The Fight Club. Go for it, baby! Nail it like Nine Inch Nails!
You’re making Eminem look like an Enema of the people by hanging out with tough dudes like Will Smith and beating up photographers and cats and Pitbull and trying to smuggle a monkey- was it Bubbles?- into Germany.
You’re a baaaad little mofo though the anti-Biebsters whine that you’re just a washed up l’il dill pickle.
But, The Biebster, I think you’ve outgrown Scooter Braun. As your manager, he’s run outta ideas. I can feel it in my fingers and my toe nails. Your mama would agree with me if she’s still around.
Here’s what I think you should be doing in 2014 to continue to be a mean mofo:
1) Start dating and twerking with Miley Cyrus. The twittersphere will EXPLODE.
2) Get a movie role as a James Bond villain or replace Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man.
Those documentaries about your life must stop. Bo-ring, Biebster- bo-ring. It’s back to that Baby Baby crap.
3) Date Khloe Kardashian and prove you’re every inch as good as a black basketball player.
4) Join One Direction, copy Harry Styles’ cockatoo hair, well, style, date and dump Taylor Swift and have her write about what a baaaad mofo your are.
5) Change your name to Yeezus and piss off the father of North West.
Anyway, Happy New Year, bro.
Let me know what more I can do to help my main little big man and see you back here soon even though ticket sales the last time you played here bombed worse than Peace.