I was watching my friend with the unfortunate name of Pido- and the best acoustic guitarist I have seen other than James Taylor and McCartney and come alive when he saw his partner Jed walk in.
He was singing the old Goffin-King classic, Up On The Roof, and the love these two share in a pretty complex relationship where walls are keeping them from really getting together made me think of the complicated lives we lead or choose to lead or, being self-destructive, throw it all away like Dylan sang, thinking she will forgive and forget and return as she always had.
But everyone has a breaking point when no matter how much they might love you, they need to get away and start again.
BUT even though some will say, “that ship has sailed”, there are anchors and vows and real marriages and not some Vegas marriage done on a childish whim.
As I recently told her, yes, I have sinned, but I have not continued living that lie of being a “family man” like some Cathay Pacific pilot with a woman in every cockpit.
So, when I now see friends from my married days who think of me as some social pariah while leading their hypocritical “happy lives” with their “happy wives” and marriages made in two-timing conservative hell, perhaps me “going solo” and leaving the “band” had to happen.
Sure, I’ve had good relationships, imperfect relationships, but I always come back to the girl “they” always wanted, I somehow managed to reel in and marry and with whom I have a child.
The fact that my daughter harbors a lifetime of resentment against me, I cannot help and no matter what Don Henley might sing about, sometimes one runs out of ways to ask for forgiveness.
One can only beg for so long before the knees start to bleed and steps taken to make amends lead nowhere. Enough is enough.
As for her, she’s always “been with me”- through relationships, one night stands, one week stands and even three year relationships through that feeling when you wake up with someone next to you, you are emotionally empty and missing her.
As Prince wrote, No One Compares 2 U and substitutes are like anything fake: Replaceable and a cheap buy. The original is priceless. And irreplaceable.
To those who have loved and lost or have loved and won or who have simply loved, the following bits and bobs below are for her- an amazing woman who still lives with me until forever- on her birthday next week- a Libran like myself.
If these bits and pieces and fragments of love yesterday and a love that exists today means something to you, turn this post into a love chain.
Send it on to someone who still lives inside your heart, soul, mind and those moments of darkness when you’re awake and look at the truth more clearly as you have never seen it before while playing a part and living a lie ‘cos that’s how you were born to believe.
Life is not the same as during our parents’ time- were they ever truly happily in love or content being wonderful companions?- and where honest relationships need real work and, as she used to always say, “Woo me”. I never did. What for? We were married. Why bother?
So, here goes- a musical love letter that might say everything I should have and still should.
Life’s a bitch- and so is pride.