Following Citigroup’s win over Terra Firma alleging it had basically duped the private equity company into overpaying for the humpy dumpty that was EMI and the personal battle between two who were thick as thieves- Citigroup’s David Wormsley and Terra Firma’s Guy Hands- nearly everyone today has the same idea: They want to get the film rights to produce “EMI And The Guy Story” aka “One Guy With Too Much Time On His Hands”.
This story has everything: intrigue, double-cross, greed, panic, betrayal, pathos- okay, only a little pathos- humour, more greed, board room meetings, stupidity, naivety, a character named “Wormsely”, another named “Guy Hands”, due diligence, no due diligence, Wall Street, main street, Wright’s Lane, bad hires, firings, more hires, more firings, upset artists, tea plantations, German nursing homes, The Boys From Brazil, toilets on the Autobahn, late night karaoke sessions, Eric “The Biscuit Bungler” Nicoli, a summer house love nest, Elio Leoni-Sceti, Charles Allen, cameo appearances by McCartney, Joss Stone, Radiohead, the Stones, Queen and Dame Shirley Bassey giving Hands the finger and singing “Goldfinger”.
One can see the opening now: Chubby bloke resembling “Just William” wakes up, puts down cuppa tea, guffaws madly to himself and walks up to and into private jet. He finally settles into his seat, sits back, puts on headphones and listens to Queen’s “We Will Rock You.” He sings along very loudly as jet takes off. Camera tracks back to show that he is the only one on the plane. Titles appear: “Ricky Gervais as David Brent is Guy Hands”.
Ricky Gervais as David Brent as Guy Hands
Fade to black and fade into chubby bloke in hotel suite overflowing with gifts of bottle of champagne, bicuits, Yorkie Bars and millions of quids worth of baskets of fruit and flowers. “All You Need Is Love” plays in the background. Cut to extreme c/u of chubby hand- that’s hand and not Hands- which picks up green apple. Camera follows hand as it brings apple to face as bad teeth crunch down on it. SFX of knocking at door.
Camera follow chubby bloke dressed in blazer and no pants but wearing socks and black shoes opening door. POV of striking blonde at the door.
Chubby bloke speaks with slight lisp: “Anth who might you be?”
Striking blonde flicks tongue over lips: “I come with the deal, Mr Chubby, you clubby,” and closes door to suite behind her and seductively blows kiss to camera. There is the immediate sound of banging and screaming. We later learn that the chubby bloke has tripped over the bottles of champers.
Fade to black as more titles appear over Queen’s “Another One Bites The Dust”: Co-starring Alan Rickman as Citigroup’s David Wormsley, John Cleese as former EMI Chairman Eric “The Biscuit Bngler” Nicoli, Chuck Norris as Warner’s Edgar Bronfman and Mike Myers as Simon Cowell, the “X Factor” in this entire plot and who emerges as the perspective new owner of what was EMI.
Alan Rickman as David Wormsely
John Cleese as Eric Nicoli
Chuck Norris as Edgar Bronfman Jr
Mike Myers as Simon Cowell
The soundtrack includes EMI-owned tracks such as “Another Brick In The Wall”, Bowie’s “Heroes”, a duet by Hands and Wormsley, the Beatles’ “We Can Work With Out” and Robbie Williams’ “Feel”. sung at night by Gervais as Hands in a scene where the once wunderkind of toilets on the Autobahn starts to feel “sowwy” for himself.
There’s a also a manic version of the old Max Bygraves’ hit, “You Need Hands” which “Hands” sings to a gob-smacked staff in a cathedral on his first day as the new owner of EMI and supported by a chorus of artists still left with the label. The song crops up throughout the movie.
The end credits appear over- what else?- “EMI” by Sex Pistols over a visual montage of Abbey Road Studios being destroyed, recordings by the Beatles going up in flames, the EMI offices at Wrights Lane being blown up and the historic Capitol Records Tower being demolished.
As the recording by the Sex Pistols segues into “My Way”, we are left with the tragic, almost Shakespearean figure of “Guy Hands” seated amidst a pile of rubbish and signing along with Sinatra about how “through it all, I can say, I did it My Way”.
When the LOUDEST talk around is just how much money there is to be made on the film rights to the rather tragic EMI and Guy Hands Story- and later, the musical- A Guy, EMI And His Dolls- and how someone might already have bought these Rights, one just has to believe that the god person works in mysterious ways when it comes to what is left of the music industry.
“The Office” and “David Brent” have become a reality only that “The Office” is EMI and “David Brent” is Guy Hands. And vice versa.
If the music industry needed to be ridiculed more than it already has, then Guy Hands has delivered the punch line.
If one believes in fung shui, perhaps Guy Hands is “bad chee”, or “negative energy”, and the sooner he is drop-kicked from having anything to do with the music industry, calm will return and the business of music will be allowed to flow along a natural course and business will boom again.
Hell, one hopes so. ‘cos if even fung shui cannot help the music business get outta the crapper, it really is in deep shit.